I wrote this post many moons ago about the reasons why solitude is such a great and useful thing. All of these things are completely true, and are major reasons why I think solitude is so grand. Of course, I was not yet a parent at that time, and looking back on it, I imagine that parents in the know may have wanted to laugh me off the face of the Earth.
"Solitude," I imagine some mother scoffing at me via her computer screen circa three years ago, hair greasy, wearing pajamas, and getting up for the third time in five minutes to deal with some child-related catastrophe before vacating the vicinity of her computer screen for six hours, finally coming back after the kids have gone to bed, sighing, and shutting down the computer while throwing a load of laundry into the washer.
Now that I'm that mom, I get it. I continue to need to adjust accordingly.
One of the most challenging things for me about solitude as a new mom is that my opportunities for it have dramatically decreased since the birth of my daughter, especially once I returned to work. For some people, perhaps this lack of solitude would be a welcome relief. For me and for others, the demands of being involved with others in a continuous way -- even those we deeply love and care for -- creates a practical challenge to a vital aspect of our self-care. In my case, lack of solitude makes it difficult for me to approach the tasks of my everyday life with the clarity and connectedness that I'd like to have. From there, it's only a matter of time before I wind up a sobbing mess on the kitchen floor, hair in a Medusa-esque pile on my head.
I am one of those people who cannot care well for my kid, my home, my job, or my relationship with my spouse without a little time to myself to fill my own cup, as they say. Otherwise, I have nothing to give. At first, trying to find time to myself was a daunting task, but I've managed to find it in a few places I wouldn't have expected before having kids.
1. The Workplace
Not every mother goes back to the workplace, nor had outside employment to begin with. However, for some women who relish solitude, going back to work in whatever capacity -- if you have the means and comfort to do so -- provides you with opportunities to be by yourself. Whether it's in the car, a few minutes with a cup of your favorite (work-appropriate) beverage, or the time between clients, a little downtime can be found.
2. Night Owls
For those who can wing it (ha ha, get it? Wings? Owls? What a hoot!), grabbing a bit of time after the kids go to sleep and before you go to sleep can help fill your own cup. Of course, if you'd just prefer to go to bed early, I'm certainly not going to blame you.
3. Early Birds
If you're this type, go ahead and get up before your kids if you like. Again, if you want to stay in bed, I won't judge.
4. The Car
For whatever reason, the car seems to work magic for my daughter, and for other small kids I know. You aren't exactly all by yourself, but a drive can give you a chunk of quiet time and space.
So I realize I'm not the first mother to ever walk the face of the planet, and I'm certainly not the first to come up with the above ideas. I have found, however, that you can do all of the above and not feel like you've really had any solitude. There are a couple of things I've learned about that, too.
1. Be Present!
I define presence as the quality of bringing your full attention to the task at hand and resting there. I have found that being by myself doesn't quite cut it -- I also need to be aware of the fact that I am in solitude and to fully engage it. I check the clock, maybe put on a timer or alarm, and let go of my to-do lists or other activities until the alarm sounds. By doing this, I get more out of the moments I do have, which leads me to...
2. It's Not the Time, It's How You Use It.
Even if you were accustomed to spending tremendous stretches of time in solitude pre-kids, as I was, the length of time you have available for solitude doesn't necessarily matter. Bringing presence to your downtime makes any time you do have -- whether it's three minutes or three hours -- more restorative and filling.
3. Solitude Is An Inside Job
One of the major lessons I've learned about solitude in the past four months is, by and large, solitude is an inside job. You can actually build a place of solitude within, like a wellspring or a reservoir, that you can draw upon to sustain you when even those brief pauses are difficult to come by. I imagine this ability is really helpful once you come to parenting toddlers, but I'll let you know if that's my experience when I get there.
I love solitude! I think it's great, and my consistent experience is that it helps me to stay calmer, more competent, and more sane than I would be without it. I am so glad to discover that I have been able to maintain some solitude in my life post-childbirth, although it looks different than it did before.
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