Making New Choices

The thing about teaching independent living skills is that, once the kid has the skills, they have a choice. If the kids never learn the skills, they don't have a choice. --My supervisor

If you're run by your mind, although you have no choice, you will still suffer the consequences of your unconsciousness, and you will create further suffering. You will bear the burden of fear, conflict, problems, and pain. The suffering thus created will therefore force you out of your unconscious state. --Eckhart Tolle

I heard the first of these quotes during day two of our two day start-of-the-year staff meeting and annual hazing ritual at work a few weeks ago. It was the end of the day, and the group was discussing the importance of independent living skills, especially for high school students with visual impairment. I won't say that I wasn't paying attention, but I will say that it was 2:45 in the afternoon and visions of lattes were dancing in my head when I heard my supervisor speak in such a way as to send me reeling out of my Whatever-Generation stupor. Hey, I realized, as my thoughts abruptly shifted from Grande Iced Caramel Macchiato-land, that's true, and not only for blind kids!

The second quote was channeled directly into my brain from Eckhart Tolle himself less than 24 hours later.

I'm kidding about this, of course, although I continue to marvel at how iPod earbuds feed sound into my ears in such a way as to occasionally confuse me into thinking that the contents of books such as The Power of Now are arising from my own brain. I will confess that I am loathe to jump aboard the Eckhart Tolle bandwagon on principle. I'm the kind of person who resisted Harry Potter forever, who didn't watch The West Wing until the series was over, who has never seen Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump, except for maybe a few minutes here or there. I don't have cable television and I generally don't pick up the home phone (this means you can stop calling now, people who want my money). On one fateful day, however, I got curious, started listening, and found myself struck by much of what Tolle says, especially what he says about the concept of choice and how it relates to spiritual growth.

A lot of modern-day spiritual paths, especially those with something of a New Age or New Thought slant, examine how changing one's life for the better occurs through the knowledge and understanding that choosing one behavior over another is a matter of simply making a different choice, the idea being that a person's life can completely transform if they start to make different choices. We might be able to see very clearly that someone else we know and care about seems compelled to behave in a way that makes little sense to us. We may try to talk some sense into that person, try to get him or her to see it our way, and convince that person that they have a CHOICE, and if only they would decide to MAKE that choice, they would be able to lead a life filled with joy, peace, rainbows, and butterflies. We might also look at ourselves and doubt that we can change the fact that we're so judgmental, or that we just don't care about anything. We may wonder why the hell it's taking so damned long for us to notice the areas of our lives where we do not feel like we have choices and to see what new choices we could possibly make.

The problem with these ways of thinking, which I think both my supervisor and Eckhart Tolle allude to nicely, is that people are inclined to learn when they are children. It is second nature, and it is how they are able to grow so quickly and remember new information so well. If you have somehow learn along the way that you do not have a choice about something in your life, either through lack of exposure or active disapproval, you eventually come to firmly believe that you do NOT have a choice. As an adult, once this learning is ingrained, it takes some time to recognize that we have more opportunities for choice than we may have thought, and it takes more time to practice making the new choice.

I think this is all helpful to remember when dealing with the issue of making new choices in life. We're fighting old patterns of behavior and old conditioning, and it takes time to notice that, accept that, let go of that, and acquaint ourselves with a new way of being.

By treating ourselves with kindness for our perceived shortcomings and failures through all of this, we can gradually help this learning process along by making it all right to try something new, fail at it, keep trying, and move forward into a way of life we may have always longed for but haven't really thought could be possible.

Throwing Paint on Walls, and Other Creative Pursuits

Are you artistically inclined? Do you wish you were, but can't draw a straight line to save your life? Do you think that creativity is for people with loads of leisure time? It's my opinion that people can't really afford to avoid creative expression, regardless of how uncreative they may assume themselves to be. It is such a pleasure and a joy to get creative, and helps those of us who are inclined to stick around in our heads too much to shift out of that and loosen up a little.

I had decided that I wasn't really the artistic type up until about three years ago. I was decent at music, having played trombone since fifth grade and having participated in a variety of bands and ensembles. I knew that writing was a strength. For the short time that I was involved in the professional ballroom dance world, I expressed my creativity through movement. From time to time, I would even put together a scrapbook, but generally only did it for people who I was completely certain would not laugh at my use of fluorescent colors with light-reflecting stickers (I cannot help but think that my students with Cortical Visual Impairment would have a field day). Yet I didn't think of myself as particularly creative.

So when I stood in the middle of Michael's one day, wondering what on earth I could possibly do for a new project, I had the most peculiar impulse to buy a bunch of painting supplies. I got the cheapest oil paints I could find, some canvas, and the cheapest bunch of brushes. I figured that going cheap would make the purchase hurt less if I later decided that I wasn't that interested. Also, I was certain it was going to look like crap, and at the time, I couldn't see how I could possibly value a painting if it was going to look like crap in the end.

I found out later that oil paint takes an eternity to dry, but no bother. I had completed my first painting! I had managed to get completely lost in a creative activity for the first time in quite awhile, and it turned out that losing myself was beneficial, because the painting was beautiful. I think that this first painting is still my favorite.

Nowadays, I continue to paint when the mood strikes. Yet I also find it extremely soothing to paint when I am going through a stressful time or grappling with an issue that just won't let go.

Since I finally own my own house, I'm delighted by the prospect of painting the walls however I want to paint them. There is the possibility that Josh might veto paintings featuring monsters or other scary creatures, but he was excited to hear that I wanted to take each wall of our kitchen island and paint a different picture for each season.

Summer was inspired one evening not too long ago by an issue that just wouldn't let go. I put on some music, turned on the very cool decorative lights that line the edge of the kitchen island, and went to work. Several hours later, I had summer on my wall for year-round enjoyment.


A few days later, the weather had changed, and I was struck with an inspiration to paint for autumn. The leaf in the foreground was saved from last year's painting because the spouse really liked it. The rest of the painting is far superior to last year's, probably because I was just having a good time and not caring whether or not it looked crappy.

Creativity is so crucial in helping us all to shift our perspectives on life, especially when we can let go of the fruits of our creative energy as being something upon which to base our worth, success, or status. If we have something that we can pour creative energy into -- music, writing, sports, dance, art, theater, dress-up with the kids, building tree forts, whatever -- it can shake us back into the sense of wonder and delight that we had as kids when we got ourselves truly immersed in play.

Off the Hook

The first few days of school this year have been filled with hectic pacing, meetings, scheduling, paperwork, challenging phone calls, difficult e-mails, and driving. Through the day-to-day reality of working in school districts, tension and anger have been creeping back into my life baring giant yellow teeth and smelly demon breath. I find myself back in old habits and patterns of thought, yet more deeply aware to them and present to them as I feel them inviting me to further release my grip on them.
I'd really like to write this post in a way that will meet everyone's approval so that I can look really good, really wise, really enlightened, really spiritual. It's not gonna happen. The truth is that I do great work of trying to shut certain feelings out of my conscious awareness with active resistance. I'm finding the process of getting the fact that separating from my felt experience of life from the rest of life gets me nowhere to be a really, really, reeeally slow one. Sometimes my feelings are overpowering in their negativity. Other times, I feel overcome with neediness and the longing for someone else to notice what I do. One moment, I'm singing along to David Bowie, the next minute I've flipped off and cursed out someone who's gradually easing their way in front of my car for the fifteenth time that day. In my attempts to grow and learn spiritually, I am sometimes harder on myself than anyone I know. I try to master it and get it right in the same way I used to practice times tables or shooting on goal or pulling off vibrato on the trombone that doesn't sound like a seizing elephant. I rarely let myself off the hook in the way that I do for others, and then I wonder what I am so angry about. I marvel at people who claim not to judge themselves. I figure they're either lying, oblivious, or nuts. I imagine that I would feel blissful if I were one of those lucky souls.

Since I've had an empty house this evening, I've been able to work with the tension and anger I feel around being in a helping profession where I sometimes feel like I'm helping absolutely nobody. How can I be supportive and helpful to others if I treat others as though they were more precious than gold, while discounting and dismissing my own value as a human being in the process? The answer I came up with this evening (like all the other times I've explored this) is that I simply can't. Maybe I can instead treat myself with just a little more kindness with my next thought, with maybe just a touch more compassion. Maybe I can accept that the transition into a new school year after summer vacation, minor as it may be, is still a transition and requires acceptance and surrender.

Plunking myself down in a chair in the living room, I wonder, now what the hell do I do? I glance out the window, where I can see the sun beginning to set over the hills in the distance. The birds are chirping and a cool breeze blows in through the open windows. One cat creeps delicately by my feet and jumps soundlessly into the window; another curls himself up at my feet. As the leaves rustle and the wind chimes ring, I find myself grateful for the beauty around me in the moment. While I'm not exactly happy or energized, a little wisp of peace rises in my heart. For right now, that's plenty good enough.

The Ocean!

--> Singing to an ocean, I can hear the ocean's roar.Play for free, play for me and play a whole lot more.Singing about the good things and the sun that lights the day.
I used to sing on the mountains, has the ocean lost its way.

--Led Zeppelin

The Spouse and I headed down to Misquamicut for our annual day-at-the-beach last Sunday. It's a pity we don't get to the ocean more often, living as close to the coast as we do. After driving and being pleasantly surprised at the lack of traffic, we got within 2 miles of the coast and were rudely awakened by the reality of end-of-summer beach traffic. Since The Spouse  loathes waiting in a non-moving vehicle and I loathe waiting in a non-moving vehicle with people who loathe waiting in non-moving vehicles, we decided for the sake of continued marital bliss that he should walk to the beach while I sought parking.

Once my fine luxury automobile (look, after having driven a 1992 Buick Century for most of my adult life, a Honda Civic is a luxury vehicle) was safely docked in some parking spot a zillion miles away from the bathhouse, I proceeded to track down His Spouseliness. He awaited my arrival in all of his sun-weary excitement at a picnic table. We headed down to what was supposed to be the beach but, due to high tide, a hot day, and it being the last beach-able weekend before the start of the school year, we were instead met with a gigantic people carpet.

Eventually we found a patch of sand maybe about 8x8 feet and planted our stuff. We didn’t fret too much about the insane numbers of people because, well, we were at the BEACH, baby! Yeah! There was pasty-bodied fist-pumping, followed by the two of us trotting eagerly (not running – way too crowded) to the water.

I got to the water and was met with…fear? I sighed and, yes, it’s true, I rolled my eyes with impatience at my own reluctance to ride the waves. Was this particularly compassionate? No, of course not. But I had come to have fun, not to watch The Spouse dive under 300-foot high surf and squint into the sun without my eyeglasses (basically rendering me temporarily blind) until I spotted him again. Since his hair these days is reminiscent of Fabio, it was easier than I would have expected. Men with long blond hair are sorely lacking in New England, and the particular dude with whom I keep company was gleefully frolicking in the surf as I dealt briefly with my inner worrywart.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely LOVE the ocean. I could body surf for the rest of my life if it weren’t for my day job and the fact that lousy surf happens. We had come on a perfect kind of day. Well, I mean, aside from the riptides, the intense undertow, and the waves, which seemed a lot bigger and more intimidating than I remembered them being. The lifeguard kept blowing his whistle. The kayakers kept yelling at people to move back toward shore. I wondered if there were going to be lots of jellyfish. I thought about several bad experiences I’ve had, and all of them have involved the following two things:

1. Being in a body of water.

2. Panic.

Even with these thoughts, it didn’t take me long to get into the water, and it’s because I kept on thinking of all of those metaphors about life that have to do with waves. You know, things like, “Life is like being in an ocean. You just have to let the waves take you where they’re going to take you.” Or whatever. I figured it would be an entertaining way to pass the time to see if I could just let the waves take me wherever they were going to take me.

The other thing that helped was dropping the judgment and totally letting myself be afraid. Once that happened, I had the freedom and space inside of me to realize that I was creating worry and fear. I could feel myself being afraid, just for the sake of being afraid. It was abundantly clear that my mind was just trying to come up with a reason to be afraid. I remembered that, even though I’ve had bad experiences in the water in the past, I can swim now, and I’m even a fairly strong swimmer. I have more confidence in my swimming than I have ever had in my life. I’ve made many beach trips in my day, rode many waves, and lived to tell the tale. I knew that this was just an old habit of fearing everything worth doing that was trying to take the reins, wanting to keep me protected from experiencing new bad experiences in the water.

I feel pretty ridiculous talking about my brief hesitation before getting in the ocean. Yet I realize that it’s the brief moments of hesitation where I have a choice to either act out of my fear and old habits or to continue on with what it is that I originally wanted to do. I noticed that I had a total ball on the waves once I recognized that there was fear, and then was free to make a choice regarding what to do about it. Did I want it to overtake me, or did I want to ride the waves anyway? When I made the choice to go in, the fear quickly transformed itself into the pure bliss and excitement of flying toward shore on the top of a wave while slamming your thighs together so that the bottom of your bathing suit doesn’t disappear.

Of course, the waves had to test me a little bit. At one point, one of them totally bitch-slapped me on the back. That kind of hurt. I slapped it back, and then we were on okay terms. Another one tried to separate my lower body from my upper body, but I just did my Superman pose and I was fine.

So. Waves. Get in the ocean and ride them! And if they’re too big, just dive underneath them. If only all of life were so simple.

Acceptance, Resistance, and Judgment

I was having a conversation with a friend not too long ago and she mentioned something about how she liked talking with me because I was non-judgmental. It was high praise. As I suspect is the case for others, we rarely judge others as much as we judge ourselves, and when it comes to myself and my own perceived shortcomings, I am perhaps the harshest judge of all. With the passing of time, I find a little more compassion for myself, a little more willingness to drop something I've been telling myself for many years that I could have sworn was the truth but that my life experiences are showing me is not as true as I thought.

Earlier today, I thought about this as I drank tea and attempted to find something funny to watch on Netflix. I was thinking about the stuff I have to do to get ready for the school year, my concerns about being off on my triathlon training schedule, the trash needing to be taken out, the weather, and my slightly lower-than-normal energy level over the past few days. I wondered if I was at the very start of becoming sick, since there has been some kind of virus going around. My inner sense was that the low energy had to do with my body dealing with something and not quite falling over into full-blown illness. Then I wondered if I was just playing a game with myself and trying to get out of doing stuff that I haven't been feeling super psyched about doing lately. The reason I'm not feeling super psyched is because I've been feeling low on energy. It's fabulously circular reasoning, and until I wrote it out just now, I didn't realize it.

Something else that's going on beyond this surface level of thinking is that I have a tendency to become judgmental of myself when my energy drops. It took me a long time to be aware of what's going on when my energy drops. I started to notice that I would see the energy drop, and then I'd get curious about the drop and an answer would come to me. It's usually something like 'you're getting sick' or 'you've been staying up until 3 am the last four days' or 'you did just run five miles'. At this point, one of two things happens. Either I am able to accept what is going on and deal with it from there, or I start to resist it. In today's situation, the judgment hit as soon as I started resisting that I wasn't feeling well in the form of, 'you're just trying to get out of doing stuff that you have to do, and if you don't do it, it means you're failing at everything you're doing.'

Once I start resisting the way an experience is for me, things go downhill quickly. If I'm getting sick and I don't want to be sick, it takes me no time to start judging myself and berating myself in an attempt to rally and motivate myself into doing stuff even when I'm not feeling well and know that the best thing to do to care for myself is to just chill out. Sometimes the judging shows up when I'm taking a big ol' leap out of the status quo and trying to change something that is important to me and matters in my life. Over and over again, I find that the best thing to do in these situations is to let go of the judgments and the resistance. This lets me just be with however I'm feeling in a place of gentle acceptance.

Yeah. Not so easy to do. I know.

Part of the reason it's not so easy is if we're really good at judging ourselves and resisting ourselves, we might not even know we're doing it. The only way to deal with this, as far as I know, is to be willing to start noticing when we're judging ourselves, or to notice when we're feeling agitated, or when something is happening within our emotional or physical experience of ourselves that we just want to get the hell out and not come back. When we have the awareness, we have to just acknowledge that this is what is going on and not use it to beat ourselves up some more.

Another reason it's not so easy has to do with our understanding of what it means to accept something. Acceptance has nothing to do with rolling over and letting life batter you about while you submit resignedly to your fate. It has to do with being aware of what is happening in a situation and staying with it, without needing to change it right now and make it different right now. In order to accept difficult feelings or thoughts in a moment, it's helpful to realize that they all eventually pass, and when acceptance happens, a lot of the tension and struggle that surrounds something passes, too. If you resist that something is happening, you render yourself powerless to do anything to change it. Accepting something means that you are aware of it happening and that you are present with your felt experience of what is happening, rather than just observing it with intellectual distance.

So, as hard as it is to just kind of hang out and be generally non-productive without beating myself up for it, that's what I'm trying to do today. I can be all right with being tired. I can totally embrace the fact that I don't want to do something without getting caught up in the 'not wanting' part of it. The funny part is that, as I do just hang out and accept that I'm feeling resistant, or notice that I'm judging myself and handle it with a soft touch, it gets easier for me to treat myself with greater kindness. The judgment eases up, the resistance may or may not linger, and I find myself able to do what I absolutely must in that particular moment to care for myself.